I. Am. 21. Fucking. Years. Old.
God damn, I’m 21. Yes, I revived my blog and revamped the whole theme just to say that I’m legal in almost the whole world. What follows will be a self-conscious stream of rambling that the reader can probably be better off not reading. Don’t mind me, that’s just the low self-esteem talking. What you do in your spare time is your business, not mine. So if you don’t mind, I’ll just continue on with this piece of literary masturbation. (Ooh, masturbation. We’re being edgy and shocking today!)
There was no booze when I celebrated the 21st time my ass revolved around the Sun last August 19. Might be something good, might be something bad. So far, the celebrations have been quite wholesome, not even barely going over PG13. A movie, food, and a whole lot of Final Fantasy: Dissidia. Yeah, me and my buds, we’re quite the party animals. We plan to experiment with dangerous substances like mentos and diet coke one day.
So anyway, I’m 21. Going on about responsibility and whining and stuff is too much like last year’s post so I’ll skip it. And go right ahead to whatever it was that I was supposed to say.
Nothing much has changed. I’m still the same slacker I was a year ago. I have a little work experience now from having tutored Korean kids. I’ve imbibed alcohol but haven’t gotten wasted yet (I kinda want to have my own “What the hell did I do?” story. My blog… is certainly quite active. I’m sort of doing most of my writing in Roleplayerguild.com now. And I now have some stuff in my DeviantArt gallery.
Of course, the main goal right now would be to get another job to take care of financial needs and luxuries. My earphones just conked out on me and now I’m stuck with cheap ones with bearable, but not great sound quality. *sigh* Why do I have to depend on money for my happiness?
There’s also the continued betterment of skills through practice and stuff. I hate that it takes me hours to write or draw. All my friends are better than me at stuff and I think they just tell me I do fine when I show them my “skills.” Or that’s just me being paranoid again. I have friends. Real friends. Don’t I? DON’T I? SOMEBODY PLEASE LOVE ME!
Speaking of love, don’t expect any from me. I am a robot without emotions and can only project a facsimile of affection . Yes, I’m still a clueless piece of ass when it comes to the finer, mindfucking, life-derailing, romantic points of life.
Anyway, I guess that’s it for the self-serving and useless self-assessment. I’d post something that’s remotely entertaining or educational sometime later. 
http://roleplayerguild.com/members/claude/
that’s my Roleplayerguild profile. Not that it matters to anyone.
http://stickting.deviantart.com
and that’s my DA page. You know I think I just made this enyry to whore that thing. Oh well.
Ugh. My internet’s being stupid. It seems I can’t upload large amounts of text right now. That makes it difficult for me to post on Roleplayerguild. Argh. Anyway, I’m still taking that risk right now by at least trying to get a start on my writing assignment for tomorrow, an autobiography with a little graph-thingy about the highs and lows of your life so far.
I wish I still had time for the dramatics and stuff, but being pressed for time, I’m just going to have to brainfart this thing.
–
The following will contain a wall of text created between 11:30 pm and 2:30 am. It will be full of typos, bad sentence structure, possible grammar errors, intimate details, and general nonsense. You have been warned.
This is a post that started with a draft of a draft that seemed to make sense at the time but descends to mindless drivel reflecting the lack of the necessary creative juices in this person’s head.
Since I can’t really think of anything to write in my blog, I just fiddled with the templates.
Since I can’t really think of anything to write in my blog, I am reverting to my original writing style which is just plain rambling.
Since I can’t really think of anything to write in my blog, I am just going to say how much I’ve missed rambling online, typing on a germ-filled keyboard, wasting precious time, ignoring certain physical needs like eating, and other stuff like that.
Since I can’t really think of anything to write in my blog, I am now honestly out of ideas to fuel this since-I-can’t-think-of-anything-to-write-in-my-blog train of thought. Which doesn’t mean that this post ends here.
I miss writing. I miss rambling. It’s actually the only literary skill I have. My writing self-image is that of a pretentious a-hole thinking he’s a great Mozart of letters and he’s just too lazy to unleash his talents on the world when he’s actually quite average or even worse than average. This image gets slammed into me whenever I try to do decent writing like academic papers. On average, the average student can make an average paper in about 6 hours. That paper would meet the minimum page requirement (an average of about 10 pages), be complete with citations, and would sound very dignified and academic. When I try to do academic papers, I’d first waste a bajillion hours reading online forums, webcomics, and blogs of people I am intimidated of. I’d open a separate window for online sources, searching through the dungheap which is the internet for something useful. I’ll open a word processor, type the usual header details, and then stare at the blank screen for about 15 minutes and then break down in tears, realizing that I know zilch about the topic. I’d then curse my inability to bullshit and then cut myself. After that, I’d go to class and learn about late submissions. I feel happy for a little glimmer of hope (or some other cliche for hope), think of actually doing the paper, blow it off, then “forget” all about it. And that is why I have so many blank grades in my records. Wow.
That was quite a long and senseless paragraph. And just like when I was new to blogging, I’m ending this post abruptly. Without warning. Suddenly. In the blink of an eye. Snap. Some overused line depicting a very short period of time.
God damn I missed this
Tomorrow will add another detail to the monument to mediocrity known as my life. Tomorrow I go to another exam that I have not in any way prepared for. Tomorrow features an exam on comparative politics focusing on France, the UK, Germany, and Italy. Tomorrow I will show that I know nothing about these states. Tomorrow I will try to bullshit the inevitable essay in hopes of scraping a 3.0 that I don’t really deserve.
Right now, I have crammed a little about UK, and have started reading up on the political development of France. Right now, I am blogging and not cramming in order to detoxify before trying to cram international politics into my head again. Right now, I am depressing the hell out of myself. Right now, my eyes want to pop out of their sockets because of caffeine in my system and the strain of staring at this LCD screen. Right now, I want to be able to do a telekinetic storm that will kill the damn noisy kids in this internet cafe. Right now, I’m thinking about how unlikely I’ll be able to pass Comparative Politics. Right now, I’m depressed but not enough to commit suicide. Right now, I think I’m being pretentious and artsy-fartsy again.
Right now, a part of me doesn’t care that I’m twenty and another part of me thinks that it’s the most important thing in the world.
20? Whutev: Jean Claude is twenty years old today. Nothing special about that. August 19 is just another day. People in Quezon City have a holiday but then Jean doesn’t really study in QC and he doesn’t have classes on tuesdays anyway. Nope, nothing special here.His birthday was pretty uneventful but then the little party he had with some of his friends made it all nice and stuff, for which he is grateful.
OMGWTFBBQ He’s TWENTY!: Jean is twenty years old. He hasn’t saved the world, hasn’t come close to destroying the world, hasn’t even come close to understanding the world. Stupid fantasy books and anime/manga stories have people as young as five saving the world from eternal darkness and here he is, twenty years old, not even doing something special. He’s a twenty-year old bum who will still be a bum a gajillion years from now.
What is it with me and this age thing? Age is nothing special, it’s just a number. That’s what the self-help/spirituality books say. But then I’m still too attached to the idea of age that I’m still uncomfortable with me not being a teenager anymore. It’s probably because being older means being more responsible. I hate responsibility. I hate the idea that I’ll grow up, get a job, marry, have kids, and watch myself turn into my dad. *shudder* I also hate the idea that I’ve wasted time, probably a decade starting from my first act of underachievement way back in grade school.
Anyway, I’ve found out and reaffirmed a lot of stuff in the past year. I found out I keep way too many defenses up, virtually not letting anyone really know me; that I have a different persona for each of my social groups (home, school, high school friends, etc.). I still run away from any sign of pressure. I still think way too much and I still rarely do anything (aiyah… teoryang baog). There must be others but then I’m too tired and lazy to think of anymore. Come on 0:00.
Aside from the self-hate stuff, I guess there’s something worth patting myself on the back for. I still read and am now reading more than sci-fi, fantasy, and self-help. I’m reading more on writing and getting a bit more theoretical practice on it (which hopefully translates to this blog). I’m kinda getting more exercise now with Taekwondo and Hapkido (though my attendance is a bit problematic lately). I guess what you have is what you think you have. The Secret works in this case for me I guess.
Presently: I am Jean Claude, twenty years old. I am a fourth-year Political Science student who’s not marching with my batchmates at the end of this schoolyear. I like writing, or at least the thought of writing. I want to purge TV land of stupid ideas. I’m an armchair everything, never doing the practical side of anything. I’d like to attain enlightenment but I’m too lazy to deny my self. I’m usually in a state of blissful ignorance. Everything’s okay for now, but then there’s probably something that’s going to throw everything into chaos.
Twenty years, I must have done something right in all that time.
I never really think. Sometimes I think that I have a mental version of Zaphod Beeblebrox’s sunglasses. Zaphod has a special set of sunglasses that turn his vision pitch black when something bothersome is in sight. I think I have somebody in my brain that does that to my thoughts, filtering them so I’m constantly in a state of blissful oblivion. I have yet to talk to this Gatekeeper self, his mental kung-fu is strong and I like going with the flow of whatever he thinks I need to think.
When this Gatekeeper does let important stuff through his filter (mostly important depressing stuff), a majority of my being is eaten up with the processing sequence. Usually I look aloof and I have this weird dopey aura, but when I have to think hard about something, I still look aloof but I have this depressed air about me. When I’m like this, I can get really anti-social, my wallet also needs to be far from from my reach since I indulge in emotional spending.
(sudden, sloppy transition coming up.)
Anyway, I am sorry for being too vague and hard to read. When you see me like this, don’t automatically assume that it’s your fault. Do assume the benefit of the doubt please. But then right now, I guess you were a part of it indirectly. I said INDIRECTLY, most of the blame still falls on me. I don’t think straight and, strangely, think too much at the same time.
I need to think. I also like thinking. I’m thinking if I need to cool down or if I need to work with my emotions whirling inside me. I don’t want to do anything hasty so I’ll keep everything in check for now. I know I seem like an ass but I need solitude to think.
Forgive me for being a robot running on Pentium 1.
I have got to stop buying classic books at Booksale. Or this probably means that I have got to stop and think if the book I’m buying is at my current level. I just splurged on books again and among the books I’ve bought are Solzhenitsyn’s One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich, and Joyce’s Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man. I don’t think these books are of the kind meant to be read for leisure, like on a commute, or waiting in line.
I am and have never been fit enough to donate blood. Donating blood can save lives which is good, and you can get free food if you donate blood through some organization’s blood drive. I wanted to try doing it but I’m underweight. Underweight people can’t donate blood. When I found out about that, I just shrugged and went, "Okay, whatever." I just found out yesterday the real reason why.
I was having this medical exam for immigration and a part of the exam was a blood test. As with most things, I was never really prepared for the blood test. I’m just thinking, "Okay it’s a blood test, nothing bad or anything," until the fact that a needle will poke through my skin to get blood rammed its way to my consciousness. I stared at my outstretched left arm as the syringe came closer and closer. It bit into the skin and I gave a sudden jerk, thinking that I will never get emo enough to start slashing my wrists. I just smiled, apologized to the nurse, and held my breath as they extracted a few milliliters of blood from my arm.
It wasn’t so bad, the puncture wound didn’t hurt much and everything was fine. I kept the wad of cotton on the wound and just waited for the whole exam to be over. I don’t know if it’s because of the excessive Dance Maniax and the Drum Mania, but I tried flexing my arm and it hurt like it was bruised or strained. My right arm was pretty much okay so it probably wasn’t the arcade games. Is that what happens when I lose blood? Yechh. I am definitely not physically fit. Duh.
I’m a mess. I am seeing some very stormy moments coming up for me. What makes it worse is that it’s my fault and I know it.
Never really one to go for direct attacks, I guess I’d rather let the talks begin by someone approaching me about what would be written here.
I am not enrolling for practicum. I am not eligible to take a practicum. I do not have enough units. I have lapsed 4s and Incompletes. I was not enrolled for the second semester of school year 07-08. I have made a mess of my academics and am now delayed by a year at least.
I’m not taking drugs, I’m not in bad company, and me being in the chorale has nothing to do with it. This was brought about by my stupid habit of procrastination. See me banging my head against a wall.
How did it happen?
Members of the Chorale can apply for a scholarship, as long as they have good, clean grades (meaning no 5s no 4s no Incompletes). By the time I could apply for the scholarship, I had an incomplete in Psych 10, "Journey to the Self", one of the easiest subjects I’ve taken. I didn’t take care of it right away so I wasn’t able to get the scholarship. I tried telling this to my aunt who sponsors me and my siblings’ education but I gave up trying to convince her that there wasn’t anything I could do. I just decided to take things into my own hands.
At that time, I was working as an all-around office boy at a recruitment agency. I was paid P18 an hour. I figured that if I save up my allowance and live off of my measly salary, I could pay for this semester. Not a bad plan actually but I ran into some problems regarding my tendency to sabotage myself.
1.) I did not apply for a student loan, making payment a hell of a process. I didn’t even try to see if one of my professors could vouch for me.
2.) I was too proud/ashamed to ask my friends for help.
3.) I don’t trust my family too much to let them in on this.
4.) I didn’t act on this fast enough.
5.) I practically ditched my job because of my crappy work habits.
So, I know, I’m an idiot right? I don’t know if any of my family or anyone who knows my family reads this blog, but I think it would be better if I let this out right now.
This time, from theOtaku.com
Kingdom Hearts:
What Kingdom Hearts Character Are You?
Hosted by theOtaku.com: Anime. Done right.
Evangelion:
What NERV Child Are You?
Hosted by theOtaku.com: Anime. Done right.
Sonic the Hedgehog:
What Sonic Hero Are You?
Hosted by theOtaku.com: Anime. Done right.
Why are you evil?
Why Are YOU Evil?
Hosted by theOtaku.com: Anime. Done right.
Haha
Pedro Gil, around 10 o’clock. The DVD vendors are packing up their merchandise. Road construction is still going on, something to do with pipes. Reighben said it took 2 years when something similar happened to their neighborhood. Street kids are selling roses for P20. I wonder, at what price were they selling them a little while earlier? The new fountain’s lights are still on at St.Paul’s. I think they’ve switched the water off. I still can’t get over the fact that the pipes used for it look terribly cheap against the shiny facade.
Lately, my older sister is in pretty much the family concern spotlight. My aunts have found out that my sister is *gasp* smoking, drinking, and clubhopping and they're concerned that her grades might slip because of the said activities. They must really be worried since they've told my dad (who's known all along) about it and because they're also trying to contact my mom in Canada (Mom also knows, my sis and my mom are practically galpals). I guess it's the shock that she has an active nightlife, or that they have no idea what my sister is actually doing, that has them so concerned.
(more…)
So here I am, blogging in the office, for a lack of better things to do. Yes, I am an office drudge. It’s not something to be proud of and it’s not something to be ashamed of. I am an office drudge and that is that.
What do I do as an office drudge? Well mostly I scan documents, I run the documents through a scanner so that the company has an electronic archive of applicants. Now anybody who has used a scanner won’t probably think that the process is hard. It’s not. The hard part is retaining your sanity while scanning a mountain of documents. There is only a limited number of times that you can see the “Scanning… Please Wait.” message and not be bored out of your mind. I’ve configured my station’s Google Desktop, got a cute Wallpaper from Fantasy Realms Online (Ledin is <3!), read quite a number of chapters of Manga (Yay for Full Metal Alchemist! Yay for Alphonse Elric!), and listened to songs on Last.fm during the scanner’s loading times.
Now I’ve bloghopped and found some personality tests on Uretz’s blog. I’m a sucker for these tests. I can be a case to prove the Looking-Glass theory of the self. (The theory that our image of ourselves depends on how we think other people see us)
I stand by my right to curse, swear, bitch, bullshit, and generally be an asshole whenever I am asked to do chores. If that means I'm spoiled rotten, then yes I'm spoiled. I'm a brat, ladies and gentlemen, a whiny good-for-nothing spoiled brat.
I never got to watch the Sugarfree concert last Saturday. Long story short, we got to the Music Museum and were faced with the sign: SOLD OUT.
Yes, very depressing, I know.
It's the reason why I got myself a copy of Robert Jordan's "The Great Hunt", the second book in the Wheel of Time series. God, I'm such a comfort shopper.
I need stronger mental kung-fu. I've burned a hole in my wallet when my dark spendthrift half got the better of mister penny-pincher. Central Jean Claude (the part of me that knows and sees everything I do) might be able to give a reason why I did what I did but he's not actually available for consultation (he never is).
I've been thinking about the song I Will Survive and how it's usually connected to gay people. It's just that I Will Survive is almost always presented as the national anthem of the gay community. A gay man in the movie, Boat Trip (Two guys accidentally board a gay cruise ship and are going to be stuck there for a week. Main character falls for hot female dance instructor and pretends to be gay in order to get close to her.) tells the main character that you can't be gay without knowing the lyrics of Gloria Gaynor's classic. So what is it with this song? Why am I even asking? What's the point?
My hopelessly romantic ideals (which I just recently found out were hopelessly romantic) may be shooting down any potential lovers. I've never experienced a romantic relationship but I think it starts with the butterflies and all the mushy mutual feelings stuff. I've been waiting for a thunderbolt to hit me and tell me she/he's the one. I'm sorry if that's way too romantic, but I've eaten way too much from the Rom-com part of the media buffet table. That's what happens in rom-coms and stuff. Guy, girl, they meet, get hit by a thunderbolt from nowhere and, "She/He's the one."
For quite some time I've been saying that I'm going through an identity crisis or that I was thinking I was. Turns out, I was just thinking I was. After reading a chapter in a child-and-adolescent psychology book, I've found out that what I have is a diffused identity. I haven't exactly experienced an identity crisis since I haven't really confronted my personal problems. I'm just stuck in the middle of stuff doing nothing which pretty much explains what I've been doing for the past 4 or 5 years.
There's an episode in the 7th season of Gilmore Girls where Rory breaks down and cries about how she doesn't know what to do after college. How she was always able to see what was coming for her all her life and now all she sees is fog. I'm pretty much feeling that way except that I've always mostly gone with the flow of other people's wishes. I pretty much hate being that way but I'm scared of having no one to blame when my life goes to hell because of my own actions.
Yes, I've read Richard Bach and a whole bunch of literature meant to inspire you to make you live your own life. Their ideas are nice, but I'm too lazy to live them.
Hi, welcome to this seldomly-updated corner of the Internet. This little space belongs to a 21-year-old with a serious Peter Pan Complex. He dabbles in writing, drawing, singing, and occasionally actually getting a life and such. If general incoherence does not entertain you, it is suggested that you look for something else to waste your time. :)
Microstore Financement is providing information in finance, business, retirement plans, mortgage, loans, credit, banking, insurance etc.
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aNg TaliN0 pOh u Mejo hiNdi q mAgeTz uNg 3nTrieS mO peRo mUkhAng Co07 ka DuD3!! RaKeNroLL! ShOutoUt lNg to mAh 3viL cLan sA cHat Tv! rAkeNroLL gAis!
hello classmate! (from HS) curious lng sa blog m. napadaan lng.
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I enjoyed reading your blog
go for it boy!
Hello. Bloghopping
para kapitan
Hi there. Just dropping by!!!
yo
You’ve inspired me to make my own blog ^_^
Huu! Patay si boybastos! Lagot sya sa kay senadora! Heto mayron naman text version ng Boybastos, spread nyo na lang! I know you will like it! Have a great time! Exchange link tayo para masaya~!!
bring him here and let’s photoshoot. Also, remember that thingy we’ll do that involves you half naked? yes. we’ll do that na rin. srsly. hahahaha
I still have to do some editing and stuff with Parkson the Bear. He may need another photo-shoot to get that sinister-bear look
